As managers, we do this through the power of empathetic listening and asking open and honest questions.
When we become managers, an important shift happens: we relinquish expertise. We accept that we no longer have the deepest knowledge or the answers. To continue holding all the expertise means that we fail to scale ourselves and grow other people.
By shifting from a fixing mindset to a coaching mindset, we empower our direct reports to build their expertise and solve their own challenges.
Fixing isn't bad or wrong. There is a time and a place for both fixing and coaching. We encourage you to experiment with both, so that you have a range of styles to choose from as a manager.
In Session 5, we'll explore Situational Management, a framework for identifying what management style best fits the situation.
Examples
Mindy Zhang
How I shifted from fixing to coaching:
I had a direct report who worked closely with challenging stakeholders. They frequently messaged her expressing their dissatisfaction and pressuring her to jump in on urgent client-facing threads.
My team member felt overwhelmed, and our 1:1s became venting and fixing sessions. She talked about her challenges, exasperated and sometimes in tears. And the solution was always the same: I sympathized and fixed the problem temporarily by reaching out to the difficult stakeholders to correct their behavior. This happened weekly for months.
One day, I tried a different approach. When she came into our 1:1 with her concerns, I asked: "What do you think is the deeper challenge here? What do these stakeholders need from us? What could a solution look like that meets our shared goals?"
To my amazement, she revealed a ton of valuable insight. From her frequent with them, she had learned about their needs and frustrations. She shared takeaways that I was previously blind to. And she had creative ideas for how to reach a more sustainable solution— designing a better communication channel between us and them.
I shifted my mindset from "she has a problem and I need to fix it" to "she has insight and ideas, and I need to draw them out." As a result, our 1:1s went from venting sessions to creative brainstorming sessions.
In coaching, we shift from self-focused listening ("What does this mean for me?") to empathetic listening ("What's going on for this person?").
Empathetic listening does not mean taking on others' feelings as our own or feeling distressed on behalf of others. Doing so can cause burnout among managers.
When listening, remember this quote from Parker Palmer:
"The human soul doesn't want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed – to be seen, heard, and acknowledged exactly as it is."
Closed questions limit how the other person can respond. Closed questions can sometimes be useful— for example, if we need to make a fast decision on an urgent issue.
In coaching others, we use open and honest questions to help someone gain insight and draw out their best ideas. You know a question is open and honest when:
Ask Who, What, When, and How
Questions that start with Who, What, When, and How help the other person explore their challenge. Try to avoid Why questions because they tend to make the focus person defensive or feel the need to rationalize.
Avoid anticipating an answer
"Don’t you think it’d be a good idea to involve more people in the project?" could change to... "What ideas do you have about getting all this work done?"
Keep the question brief
A shorter question gives the other person more space to share what's top of mind for them. Ask one question at a time, not several.
What do you think of the proposal? I'm curious if you think it solves the problem. What are your thoughts on section B in particular? Does it address the problem we're trying to solve? could change to... "What do you think of the proposal?"
Focus on them, not you
Help the other person explore their unique situation and come up with creative possibilities.
"Here’s what I usually do when that happens. Would that work for you?" could change to... "When you’ve experienced this in the past, what strategies have been helpful for you?"
Stay with the language the person is using
"You said you felt unheard, didn’t you also feel disrespected the way they did that?" could change to... "How does feeling unheard change things for you?"
Watch for tone and pacing
Allow some silence between the last answer and the next question. Questions that come too fast may feel aggressive, cutting off the deep reflection that can help the focus person.